the end is where we start from
by LadyMoriel
Summary: "If you were really here," Thor says with his painfully familiar half smile, "I might give you a hug." (A little expansion on one of the final scenes of Thor: Ragnarok, so RAGNAROK SPOILERS OBVIOUSLY)


"If you were really here," Thor says with his painfully familiar half smile, "I might give you a hug," and he tosses the bottle's stopper at Loki overhand.

 _Last chance_ , Loki thinks. Last chance to vanish, let Thor think he was never here, to seize his freedom now that he finally has it, to go…anywhere. Do anything. To leave Thor remembering him with something like fondness and really quite a good story of genuine heroics, instead of staying, and taking part in the hard and unglamorous work of rebuilding Asgard from nothing, and facing Thor's anger or disappointment if he finds he can't do it. It would be simpler, certainly. Alone, he can hide and hope the Titan continues to forget about him; alone, he has no one to fail.

But it isn't what he wants. He knew that on Sakaar, even if he didn't let himself acknowledge it; knew it on the ship back to Asgard; knew it as he fought at Thor's side again; knew it, was forced to admit it, as he lay twitching on the hangar floor and Thor left him behind after one betrayal too many. He'd never intended to leave Thor locked up forever, only long enough to win back the Grandmaster's favor and establish a position that would ultimately benefit both of them, but Thor had no reason to assume that, to do anything but look out for himself as Loki was doing, and that was the loudest thought in his head while he tried to breathe through the pain and pull together the focus to reach the controller: _I don't want this_.

He did not want to continue that cycle, of betrayal and disappointment. He did not want Thor to give up on him for good. He did not—does not—want to spend the rest of his days staying far away from the only family he has left, the only person in the universe who truly knows him and still wants to forgive him.

What Loki _wants_ is a great deal more nebulous, far more than it ever was when he simply wanted Odin's approval, or to wrench back some kind of control over his own life, or to earn the approbation of Asgard even posthumously. But Thor is part of it, Asgard's people are part of it, the feeling of knowing he truly saved them is part of it. Thor's whole-hearted acceptance of what it meant that Loki had returned in the nick of time, even trusting him with their last defense against Hela—trusting him to summon Ragnarok and destroy Asgard to save its people, not to slip away again and leave them all to their fate, as if he hadn't tried to sell Thor back to the Grandmaster the last time they parted—well, that is apparently an enormous part of what Loki wants.

It is, most likely, going to be difficult and unpleasant. They will have to have that talk, sooner or later. There are things he needs to say, most of it involving the exposure of vulnerabilities of one kind or another that he absolutely does not want to expose, and he knows himself well enough to know that he is not willing to lay everything bare, not yet. He is not ready to speak of the Void, of the terror of falling, of how desperately he does not want to be abandoned, of what it means that Hela was their sister (and what if Loki is fated to follow her path to the end?) and that all the rest of their family is dead now, of…nearly all the important things that still lie between them unsaid and that Thor does not understand. He has no idea how to say what he needs to say anyway, or make Thor hear what he needs him to hear; no idea _how_ to break the cycle, to be something more, to be a brother and hero in truth.

He doesn't even know if Thor means it, that he wants him here, or if he'll be met with something just shy of indifference. If there is anything for him at Thor's side but old resentments and the suffocating shadow he remembers so well.

But for all that—

He _wants_ to be here. With Thor. He is not certain of much else, but out of the chaos and destruction of the last few days, he is certain of that.

So he raises one hand, neatly catches the stopper, and says, "I _am_ here."

Thor's answering smile is almost blinding. He bounds across the room in two strides and catches Loki up in an enormous bear hug, warm and familiar and safe. " _I'm glad_ ," he says in Loki's ear, his voice half-choked and fairly vibrating with sincerity, and keeps holding on.

Loki releases a long breath and lets himself relax into the embrace, just a little. It's not everything, but it's somewhere to start.

* * *

 _I saw Ragnarok last night and generally liked it, although the more I thought about it, the more problems I had with a lot of the tone and characterization choices. Obviously the thing to do is work out those issues through fic, expand on some of the things the movie brought up, and GIVE THESE IDIOTS THEIR DAMN HUG._


End file.
